Do I like Freetown?

I've lived in Freetown for almost 8 months now. By any other standards, that's not a long time and I do agree but by standards here, that's been quite a while. When I am asked if I like it here, more often than not, I regurgitate lines I've mastered in my head and it goes as follows: "It' alright. I wouldn't say that I enojyed every moment of it but I wouldn't say I hate it either." So I asked myself do I honestly feel that way? That is my problem. I cannot find the answer to it. Yet. Or maybe never. Freetown conjures an mixture of feelings, each with its own uniqueness and purpose. This is my first time in this continent - Africa. Geographically, this continent is soo diverse that trying to find meaning and similarity would be a futile attempt because the idea of Africa as one coherent concept in my understanding does not exist.

There are days when I whizzed by the streets and suddenly there are things, people, places and events that I am seeing for the first time. Then again, there are days when I dread heading into downtown Freetown. The traffic, the honking, beggars hovering about your car windows, hawkers standing in your way, strangers hissing at you and so on. There are days when this place irks me, when its people leaves me feeling disgusted and almost drained our of my own energy. One may think this is my being prejudiced. I do sometimes behave in such a manner. I don't deny it. I came from a different environment and was brought up to believe in different ideals that are personal perhaps only to me. My way of understanding and structuring my life revolves around what I know and I cling to that still because those things give me meaning. I am a product of my own previous environment and while susceptible to change, may not neccessarily wish to inculcate those changes.

I may sound as though I dislike Freetown with such ferocity. I don't. I just don't have any sort of affection for it. I have great respect for the resilience I see in its people. People here are in endless toil, working, walking, waiting. I see locals working hard, I see children selling groundnuts, cigarrettes, packet water and sweets, all trying to bring in some money for the family. When I see these kids, I feel pity. Pity because these country is endowed with so much and yet its very future are toiling day in and day out. I frowned upon the fact that policemen are so fucking corrupted, eating money of any pocket or white man they can find. It's wrong. I was taught in all my years if schooling and university life that bribery is in essense the hindrance to growth and moral breakdown of society. But when you know these policemen earn peanuts, what do you do? Do you acknowledge that it is still wrong OR do you move on ignoring it OR do you partake in the activity by helping them out? I find it difficult to answer that question.

At the end of the day, I lived an expat life. Very fortunate and very blessed. Sometimes, I feel I have become numbed to life around here. I don't cringe or feel anything when I see a poor man begging. I don't and I hate it. I hate the fact that there is a possibility when I leave this place, I may forget how to feel for the suffering of others. That I may lose any sense of idealism.

Back to the question I asked of myself. I still have no answer as you are reading this. I can only say one thing for now. Freetown has given me the space for my thoughts to wander itself out. I think more when I'm here, a lot more about issues, thigns, people and life in general. I am probably not as talkative as I thought was ever. As Khalil Gibran says, when you feel the urge to talk, it could be your thoughts have ceased to be.. maybe. I have definitely learn that one need not always have an opinion on everything. So possibly this place has given me something and for that, I am thankful. Whether I like it or not, we'll see.

Jayne with a Y and Cwistle

I have a confession. It's not easy for me to form close friendships with people. It usually takes a while and there are very few people I keep close to me and genuinely would do anything for. Ginger Jayne (right) and Chinese/pseudo-Malaysian Krystle (left) have perhaps been the 2 people in Freetown that I found great comfort with and share good times. We've met only about a month or so ago just before a friend of ours, Antonio left for Bolivia. It started at Paradise Beach Bar - a hang out spot for some of us. Sadly for me, these 2 wonderful beings have headed back to London last Sunday, leaving me to grapple with the quiet evenings. The days would equally be quiet with no random calls for lunch, to the tailor or to just about anywhere else. I am slowly beginning to accept that this is what expat living is all about but still, it's a very lonely and sometimes a depressing process. I don't make close friends fast enough and frustratingly when I do, time wasn't enough. These 2 ladies have been amazing and simply generous. I share their warmth and kindness and am glad that even for the briefest time, we were friends. I wish them all the best and hope to see them soon again x