quiescence

There must come a point in one's life when things stood still and you begin to wonder where it is all heading. I felt this way sometime ago and it has been in my head for a while now. There are occasions when I fear that life is likely to fail me or perhaps more so the other way around. And there is nothing more heart-breaking than to know that such instances are possibilities waiting to happen. I am no pessimist but do in fact consider myself a practical optimist, if there is such a concept. There are limits to positive thinking, which I figure can only take you so far.

And I reflected on where this life and years have been for me. Some have been strange, some beautiful and many bittersweet. The past half a year in particular has been exceptional in its own right. Peculiar, memorable and frustrating. I have learnt a lot, about others, about choices and importantly about myself. I have learnt limits I can bear and how far I can really go. Many times, I have felt small and alone and very lonely. Other times I have conversations in my head that hurts and only ends up in confusing circles, round and round. In fact, there were moments I thought my existence mattered little to those I know. Simply, I felt I have been forgotten. I continue to feel like that sometimes. I avoid thinking about it but when I do, it's painful and it disappoints.

Yesterday I had this conversation both in my head and in person. Frustrations poured out, hard and fast. I sobbed, I cried, I had it to let it go. Months of anxiety, of stress, of bottling it up, of teeth grinding came out in unexpected bursts. I knew then I could not turned back upon that decision I made months ago. I have to go through with it. There are things I hold steadfast and I'm on the belief that when choices have been made, turning back is no option. I have to decide to change and make it better - if not for me, for both of us. I owe myself that chance - that one last trial. I told myself before I was lulled into sleep that I cannot let those little frustrations crawled back in, creating its nest in my subconcious self. I just cannot. And as I watched him go to sleep, all curled up, I am comforted for that moment, I know I will be safe and the seas won't be so choppy all the time.

Moving away to this life I know right now has been a rather confusing experience. While I don't regret any moment of it, I understood little of it still. I don't enjoy every moment but there are happy days. I am convinvced there is a reason and a purpose which I need to find. I spent a lot of time thinking about this, and at times, I thought I might have chanced upon something comforting but hardly the case. I have no connection to this place, no ties that bind me to anything here. I feel nothing for this place and little for what happened in the past. It is not my story. This physical land in my bigger scheme of things in life serves no significance. My only conclusion about this place: it has allowed me to discover the limits and potentials of my human capacity. I know what I can and will never want to subject myself to. I came here with no purpose and no intentions, with no reasons other than to be with my boy. It may not sound like a good reason but that is my excuse. And I have learned to find meaning and purpose in that.

I am twenty six and life is still hovering around my head like grey skies waiting to pour itself out. Where it is heading, I have no clue, but compared to other days, I felt something better today.