A note of thanks to the ones I love

When you read this post, I am no longer living in China. I have left Beijing in early July without much consideration or thought. I only know it was time to go and I had to go. The past few months have been an unbelievable journey of epic proportions, at least in my view. It was harder than I imagined it would be and most of all, I truly understand now what it means to be alone and lonely. The man I was and perhaps still in love with left me with nothing more to say. Nothing but just bucket loads of pain and sorrow. I am human and I need explanations to understand what's going on. But I had none. What I write here is not about to be a rant or anger or pain towards him or what happened. I have accepted the situation and whatever it means, I will learn to live with it everyday. Importantly, I will be all right.He will be all right. We are both okay.

People fall in love and people split up and the cycle keeps its wheels turning over and over again. It is life, isn't it? Khalil Gibran taught me that very same thing that gives us joy are often the very same things that brings us pain. The last thing I want to be is bitterness. In the past few weeks, when friends and acquaintances heard about what happened, they have always reacted with a rather sad, sorry-but you-will-get-over-it look which I found rather amusing. It seems that there are certain appropriate behaviours that comes along with a broken heart. To shout and yell, to go get wasted with your girlfriends, to sob until the cows come home and so on. I did nothing of that sort and at first it makes me feel really strange. These are social norms and I supposed I ought to react as expected and then everyone will then fall into their respective roles and life goes on as it should.

I couldn't and right now, I can safely say with all the confidence in my heart that I am glad I behaved and did it the way I wanted it to be. Some may say it is perhaps not healthy to repress the anger and sadness. Whatever. To me, it is important to feel and understand it but who's to say what's the best way to deal with it.

I wrote this note not with the intention to discuss or even reflect upon what happened. That will happen at some point I guess. BUT I wrote this because in view of what happened, something else happened too. In my quiet grief, I found the unexpected. I found and discovered back the family and friends I had and what they really really mean to me. New friends that stood by me and reminded me of my own strength, old familiar faces that opened their homes and hearts with so much generosity and warmth and family that remained true to their word. I could not have gone through the days without them. NO, I couldn't. From the very little gestures, cigarette rolling, phone calls, emails, skype dates, gchat to nice lil cards, and dinner to all-the-best-Salone-music CD. I had it and it felt GOOD: I felt for the first time in a LONG time, I felt things are going to be better and I am going to be just fine. I hope they know they mean a lot to me. Everyone of them. I am humbled by their kindness and will forever be in debt. I take this opportunity to say thank you from the bottom of my heart.