4.5 years

I have been away from Singapore/home for almost 4.5 years now. Since January 2006. Fuck that is a damn long time.

18 months was spent studying and living in Canberra, lasted close to 2 years in Sierra Leone, 10 months freezing and sweating it out in Beijing and now almost 7 months in Kadugli. In between I have spent time in Europe, roaming about.

Actually today I celebrate my 7 months in the ‘doog. Deserve more than a pat on my back for being out here that long.

People occasionally ask me when I am returning home. Many Sudanese asked me this question and it puzzles them whenever I mentioned not yet or that every R&R, I just travelled somewhere else but home. I never really got the question: why did you leave home?

Obviously by now, I have accepted that the concept of ‘their’ home and ‘my’ home differs widely. Agreeably, there can be many explanations for this, practiced answers and deep philosophical ramblings on what we mean by home. But let’s not go there, least not today. I have a secret perfect answer that I’ve always wanted to use but never. It’s a quote by Maya Angelou, “The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.”

I left because I wanted something different, like there was devilish inner voice whispering, “Get out, life is more than a paycheck in the civil service or shopping down Orchard Road..” so I stepped out of the rut and now utterly grateful that I made that first move. And I have gotten a lot from all the years even if I keep walking in circles, committing the same mistakes all over again. I have lived in places others only wonder about, slept under the stars, sometimes living on the charity of my friends and family and experience an almost full life. It’s never always rosy and there weren’t always happy moments and smiley faces all the times. The more you go, the harder it becomes to maintain human relationships with the ones you care about. There were many days when I was surrounded by people I didn’t like very much and happenings I rather banished from memory. I am not always proud of some things I’ve done but there’s no other way other than to move along. Right. 

I’ve got good things this year. The strengthening of friendship with some of the most heartwarming people I’ve ever met in my life, which deserves more than just my mere note of thanks. And meeting a man I love and continue to grow in love with. I pray that I’ll be lucky this time but it’s funny how I know luck has nothing to do with this. Some things are just meant to happen.

I haven’t come full circle yet; think I will keep walking on the circle I’ve drawn over and over again. And as I do this time, I will think of warm sunshine, clear blue water and pistachio ice-cream.